all good things

I have been getting a lot of questions lately from friends and relatives asking why I spend a good 18 hours a day locked in my room. There are rumours and theories, ranging from severe depression to weird satanic cult worship. The truth is that I just don't want to socialise with anyone. My entire social and professional (if you can call it that) circles are filled with slack-jawed, mouth-breathing, dim-witted individuals. My greatest failing as a human being is my intolerance for stupidity. I can't stand it; it makes me want to slap people. I don't know why I am like this. I certainly ain't no shapr tool in that metal thingy outside that place where I sleep is, but still I cannot hold any respect for anyone who does something even slightly stupid. Now I am not perfect, and I, on occasion, do things that can be considered not very bright, and I hold myself up to the same standards. If I do something stupid then I get angry at myself. Luckily I manage to avoid most stupid things and I have been blessed with the ability to think before opening my mouth (something that should be taught in schools), so my loathing for self-induced stupidity is kept to a minimum. That cannot be said for everyone else. Every time I leave the house I am bombarded with inane, pointless questions, random acts of stupid behaviour, and generally annoying dumbness, sprouted from the vacant looking idiots who populate my social life. No wonder I lock myself in my room. Anyway here are some of the best stupid statements that I have been witness to in the last few weeks. Some of them make you wonder how we ever got out of the trees.

1.
GIRL: "What does 'contempt' mean??"
ME: "It's the feeling I have towards you"
GIRL: "Oh... umm, I'm sorry, I think you're a great guy, but I don't feel the same way"
(I bet I am not the only one who has a passionate feeling of contempt for this girl).

2.
COP WHO PULLED ME OVER: "Do you know why I pulled you over??"
ME WEARING MY WORK UNIFORM: "Yes, I ran a stop sign"
COP: "Why did you run the stop sign??"
ME: "Because you did it"
COP: "Ahh, right, well, if I drove off a cliff would you do that??"
ME: "Only if it got me back to work quicker"
COP: "Oh, you're working??"
ME: "I don't wear this uniform to pick up the chicks"
(I guess the thin blue line is a little thicker than we thought)

3.
ME: "That will be $34.40 thank you"
WOMAN: "Here is $40, do you have change??"
ME: "Sure do, but if you have the forty cents I will be very happy"
WOMAN (searching through purse): "Sorry I don't have 40 cents... I have a 50 cent coin if that helps."
(If you really want to help me, don't order pizza)

4.
BROTHER: "There is this girl I really think you would like, why don't I get you 2 together??"
ME: "Like a blind date?? Sorry not interested in getting involved with a woman at the moment"
BROTHER: "But she's different"
ME: "Does she have ovaries??"
BROTHER: "Yeah"
ME: "Does she have a uterus??"
BROTHER: "Yeah"
ME: "Can she carry a baby to full term??"
BROTHER: "Yeah I guess"
ME: "Than she is a woman and i am not interested at the moment"
BROTHER: "That’s just stereotyping"
(Blood truly is thicker than water)

5.
ME (while unlocking my car door): "I very rarely do anything stupid, I always think before I act."
MUM: "Really"
ME: "Yup, I am like some uber-intelligent god that can never faulter... What the hell is wrong with this door??"
MUM: "Sorry to disturb you all powerful intelligent one, but that is not your car"
(See, as hard as it is to imagine, even I can do stupid things).

That is just a small sample of stupid things that have occurred around me. I have plenty more, but right now I have to go to bed. I have to get up early tomorrow morning because some idiot has enrolled into an early morning class, at a university that is a 3 hour drive from my house... what a complete twat. All good things must come to an end.... including everyone’s obsession with pissing me off by being stupid.
(By the way I am well aware of any spelling and grammar mistakes, made up words, or outright inaccuracies that may be in this post. Having double standards is a terrible thing, except in this case.)